The Huge Swirly Time Portal
by Mother Mercury
Summary: Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to present the WORST fic ever written. Step forward and read, pointlessness guaranteed! Honestly though, I wrote this a while ago, and it is so bad I astounded myself


Before I embark on this fictional endeavor, I must let you know that I am not, and have never been, on drugs. I am strictly anti-substance abuse or even one-time use, so don't even think that I wrote this because I just smoked an extremely large joint. I am, however, on Cherry Coke, which is far more effective at tripping you out than any other "drug" on the market. If you don't believe me, go spend the few pence, or cents, and get yourself a bottle. It's worth it, honestly. And, don't tell me this story is stupid, because I'm not intending it to be smart. It _is_ a stupid story. It's only purpose in life is to be stupid, so don't make that a negative thing or you'll hurt its feelings.

The Huge Swirly Time Portal

Harry (as in Potter, the extremely talented, but oh-so modest wizard. *tries to stifle snickering*) made his way down to the dungeons for the first Potions lesson of the year, Ron and Hermione at his side. They were having fun complaining about Snape and Malfoy, because that's what they do when Quidditch hasn't started yet and they have no reason to think anyone is trying to kill Harry (although Ron was convinced Snape was trying to bend Harry's mind so he would kill himself. Why? Ask him). 

Just as they were nearing the end of the corridor, where the dungeon was located, a huge swirly time portal opened up and they all fell inside.

'Wow…' said Ron, as they tumbled through reversed time and turned inside out. 'This has never happened before.'

'No, I think it has,' Hermione said. 'Or, wait, no, that was just a dream I had.'

Harry couldn't say anything because he was busy trying not to lose all his intestines. He had just managed to gather them up and hold them in place when they suddenly turned right side out again and crashed onto the floor. Rubbing their backsides, they looked up and saw Snape towering over them. 

'Get up!' he snapped, and they all quickly scrambled to their feet. 'Class started ten minutes ago! I suppose you think you're smart, showing up late.'

'No, professor,' interrupted Hermione. 'We were sucked into a time portal, and…'

'Silence! Now, lets see, thirty points for being late… and, twenty for the lame alibi.' The three of them cringed. 'Fifty points for Gryffindor!' he turned on his heel and strode back into the classroom.

'Did he say fifty points _for_ Gryffindor?' Harry asked, incredulously, watching Snape walk off.

'That's what I heard,' Ron replied, raising his eyebrows. 'Stupid git can't even talk properly.

'Harry! Ron! Look at yourselves!' Hermione cried. Ron glanced down at himself and gasped.

'I… I've got b… bre…'

'Breasts, Ron, you've got breasts,' Hermione informed him. 'My breasts, to be exact. And, by the looks of things, I've got Harry's penis and he's got yours.'

Harry glanced down at himself. 'Oh, so I do.'

'Well, I want my penis back!' Ron said, fondling his new breasts.

'Hey! Hands off,' Hermione said, pulling at Ron's sleeve. 'You've got my face and hair too, I don't want you mucking them up.'

'And you, Hermione,' said Harry. 'Don't go ruining my good looks.'

'You know what happened, don't you?' Hermione asked.

'Our bodies got switched in the time portal thing,' Ron replied. Hermione looked stunned and angry, because she was supposed to be the smart one.

'Exactly.'

'Goddamn it,' said Harry, angrily, then turned purple and blew up.

'What just happened to him?' Ron asked.

'He blew up,' replied Hermione thickly, poking the little bits of Harry with her wand. 'Weird.'

'Does this mean I don't get my body back?'

'Might do,' Hermione sighed. 'Now I might not get my body back. Shit.' 

Then, Hermione turned purple and blew up.

'Not again,' Ron moaned, still fondling himself because he was sick and couldn't stop. Suddenly, Snape came bursting out of the classroom.

'Granger!' he thundered. 'What is the meaning of this?'

'They blew up,' Ron informed him.

'I can see that!'

'And I'm not Hermione, I'm Ron.'

'What?'

'I… am… not… Hermione…'

'I heard you the first time, Granger. I suppose you're still hoping I'll buy in on this nonsense about a time portal?'

'Well, yes.'

'Sorry to inform you, but I don't believe it. Ten points to Gryffindor, and get in the class before I make it twenty!' 

Without thinking, Ron followed Snape back into the dungeon, and didn't notice that the huge swirly time portal had opened up just behind the door. Once again, he fell into it, turned inside out, made a stupid comment and came back right side out. As he was dusting himself off, he realized he wasn't Hermione anymore, and that Hermione and Harry weren't blown up. In fact, they were perfectly whole (except one of Harry's teeth, but that's a different story)!

'Nice to see you in tact again,' Ron said, walking into the dungeon.

'Yeah, much better than being blown up,' agreed Harry.

'I'm glad I'm not a guy anymore,' said Hermione.

'I'm glad I'm not a girl anymore!' said Ron, rubbing his chest.

The moral is - If guys became girls they would fondle themselves constantly, and if you ever get sucked into a time portal, don't swear or you'll blow up.

This is the end of the story. Now go play outside.


End file.
